i broke down today after seeing A's facebook status update mentioning her and how happy he was that she could work from home instead of risking the snowy drive to work ie they're still together ie he cares.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
February 10, 2010
February 6, 2010
update or status quo
happy (belated) new year!
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
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