i broke down today after seeing A's facebook status update mentioning her and how happy he was that she could work from home instead of risking the snowy drive to work ie they're still together ie he cares.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
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