I did it...

i havent updated this in awhile. i think being held accountable with my impending self-imposed deadline was too much. despite not losing any vast amounts of weight and despite being terrified, i did it.

about 2 weeks ago i dropped off a box filled with mementos and memories from our years of dating - everything from stuffed animals and movie stubs to love letters, pictures, jewelry - and a note, front and back that explained why i couldnt hold onto these things anymore, that i know he has a girlfriend and that this must all seem complicated and inconvenient and out of the blue and maybe crazy... but that i was doing it anyway b/c the truth was that i missed him and wanted a second chance for us. that no one has ever meant and still means as much as he has to me.

in the letter i told him to do me a favor and to think things through before he reacted or responded. that this was about us - him and me- and that there was also something special there.

as i left the box and letter on his doorstep (i knew he was at work at the time), i texted him to give him a heads up. i said i had left a box at his door with a note inside explaining and asked him to please not be upset with me. he responded within a few minutes asking if i could explain a little now, and as i was texting a reply, he called me. i didnt pick up. i wanted the letter and box to speak to him first. i responded to him saying i had returned some things to him and that the letter could explain it best. he texted again asking what part would make him mad... i said i didnt think any part would.

then i checked myself into a nearby hotel. i had made the reservation under the assumption that i wouldnt be in the best emotional state to get on the highway and drive the 2 hours back. i already knew that i wouldnt tell him i was nearby... a mere 2 minutes. i sat in my room for hours staring out the window, writing in my journal. i didnt hear from him again that day. i have no idea what his reaction was.

however, i did "hear" from him exactly a week later... my birthday. yes, my 30th. he wished me a happy birthday on my facebook wall and said he hoped i had a great day. not the actual words, but that act of reaching out vs ignoring that day and not saying anything... i dont know what any of that means, if anything at all.

another week has passed since then, and all i have is silence.

i have no idea what he's thinking or if he even went through the box or if he threw things away. if he read the 200+ emails i printed out, looked at the pictures, read my letter. i dont know if his silence means he's thinking about things or giving me the courtesy of the favor i asked of him, thinking "the least i can do is wait before i let her down..." or worse, that's a perfect excuse for him to not have to confront me and tell me that there's no chance.

in any case, i'm giving him 2 months. 2 months from the drop off i'll mail him a letter saying i dont regret anything and i'd do it all again, but that i cant casually watch his life from the sidelines and not be a part of it.

i'm incredibly glad i did it. i know it was a long shot and am still prepared to hear the inevitable, but it was something i needed to do to say that i took the risk rather than always wondering...