approximately a month after i made the drop off, he called me. the monday of the 3-day july 4th weekend to be exact. it was a little after 6pm.
we had abnormally normal chit chat for 2 minutes, and then he said he was calling because...
it's been a month since this happened and i'm trying to forget the minutia of it all. basically we talked about my overture like we were dissecting a baseball game or something as benign. at one point he said that he appreciated how we could talk this way about it. to me it all felt very removed. he, of course, said he was in a committed relationship. he said he began looking through the box but stopped b/c he began to feel disloyal to her.
he then said he was late to getting somewhere, could he call me back. i asked if that's what he wanted or if this should be it. he got confused. and then defensive. almost angry. i told him he didnt understand, that i couldnt be a friend to him. i couldnt be an observer in this life of his, in the real world or on stupid facebook. that if he ever really needed me, i would be there, but otherwise it was too hard. that this would be one of the most difficult things i'd ever have to do, but that i needed to be selfish now. at this point i was crying and not even trying to pretend i wasnt. i dont know what he expected the outcome of this would be. that i would've said these things and asked him for another chance, and when he said no we'd go back to being friendly acquaintances like before?
there was silence on the other end of the phone while i went on saying my goodbye. i thought he had hung up on me so i took the phone away from my ear and it said the call was still connected. i said "hello?" and he said he was there. he didnt have much to say except that if i ever changed my mind, i know where or how to find him. out of habit he said he'd call me later. he didnt but i wasnt expecting him to.
i wrote him a letter further explaining why, not wanting to leave anything up to misinterpretation or misunderstanding from the phone call. i mailed it that same night, as well as deleted him from my phone, email, etc.... and all of his friends too.
i've been trying not to think of him, have been stopping myself from saying his name, even if it's only in my own thoughts in my own head.
i cant believe it culminated in this. it makes me think it should've ended long ago. it makes me incredulous that he didnt want me to cast him out and offered up a way back in if i ever wanted it. it's not like we were in constant contact or that i knew much of anything about his life now. maybe i was always just a safety net, a security blanket.
i havent cried as much as i thought i would. no real hysterics or dramatics. i've been able to smile and laugh and joke. i'm still glad and in a way relieved that i did it and i no longer have to worry about the semantics of the how, when, where. it's done.
typing this is the most i've thought about it in awhile, so i'm going to stop now. just thought whoever, if anyone, is reading this should know the complete ending, at least of this story.
i'm 266.5 lbs now. not great progress. i hope to do better. i'm trying to make my tomorrows my todays, focusing on what i can do in the here and now rather than later. i might check in again if i make any successful milestones.
we'll see what happens.
August 7, 2010
June 24, 2010
I did it...
i havent updated this in awhile. i think being held accountable with my impending self-imposed deadline was too much. despite not losing any vast amounts of weight and despite being terrified, i did it.
about 2 weeks ago i dropped off a box filled with mementos and memories from our years of dating - everything from stuffed animals and movie stubs to love letters, pictures, jewelry - and a note, front and back that explained why i couldnt hold onto these things anymore, that i know he has a girlfriend and that this must all seem complicated and inconvenient and out of the blue and maybe crazy... but that i was doing it anyway b/c the truth was that i missed him and wanted a second chance for us. that no one has ever meant and still means as much as he has to me.
in the letter i told him to do me a favor and to think things through before he reacted or responded. that this was about us - him and me- and that there was also something special there.
as i left the box and letter on his doorstep (i knew he was at work at the time), i texted him to give him a heads up. i said i had left a box at his door with a note inside explaining and asked him to please not be upset with me. he responded within a few minutes asking if i could explain a little now, and as i was texting a reply, he called me. i didnt pick up. i wanted the letter and box to speak to him first. i responded to him saying i had returned some things to him and that the letter could explain it best. he texted again asking what part would make him mad... i said i didnt think any part would.
then i checked myself into a nearby hotel. i had made the reservation under the assumption that i wouldnt be in the best emotional state to get on the highway and drive the 2 hours back. i already knew that i wouldnt tell him i was nearby... a mere 2 minutes. i sat in my room for hours staring out the window, writing in my journal. i didnt hear from him again that day. i have no idea what his reaction was.
however, i did "hear" from him exactly a week later... my birthday. yes, my 30th. he wished me a happy birthday on my facebook wall and said he hoped i had a great day. not the actual words, but that act of reaching out vs ignoring that day and not saying anything... i dont know what any of that means, if anything at all.
another week has passed since then, and all i have is silence.
i have no idea what he's thinking or if he even went through the box or if he threw things away. if he read the 200+ emails i printed out, looked at the pictures, read my letter. i dont know if his silence means he's thinking about things or giving me the courtesy of the favor i asked of him, thinking "the least i can do is wait before i let her down..." or worse, that's a perfect excuse for him to not have to confront me and tell me that there's no chance.
in any case, i'm giving him 2 months. 2 months from the drop off i'll mail him a letter saying i dont regret anything and i'd do it all again, but that i cant casually watch his life from the sidelines and not be a part of it.
i'm incredibly glad i did it. i know it was a long shot and am still prepared to hear the inevitable, but it was something i needed to do to say that i took the risk rather than always wondering...
about 2 weeks ago i dropped off a box filled with mementos and memories from our years of dating - everything from stuffed animals and movie stubs to love letters, pictures, jewelry - and a note, front and back that explained why i couldnt hold onto these things anymore, that i know he has a girlfriend and that this must all seem complicated and inconvenient and out of the blue and maybe crazy... but that i was doing it anyway b/c the truth was that i missed him and wanted a second chance for us. that no one has ever meant and still means as much as he has to me.
in the letter i told him to do me a favor and to think things through before he reacted or responded. that this was about us - him and me- and that there was also something special there.
as i left the box and letter on his doorstep (i knew he was at work at the time), i texted him to give him a heads up. i said i had left a box at his door with a note inside explaining and asked him to please not be upset with me. he responded within a few minutes asking if i could explain a little now, and as i was texting a reply, he called me. i didnt pick up. i wanted the letter and box to speak to him first. i responded to him saying i had returned some things to him and that the letter could explain it best. he texted again asking what part would make him mad... i said i didnt think any part would.
then i checked myself into a nearby hotel. i had made the reservation under the assumption that i wouldnt be in the best emotional state to get on the highway and drive the 2 hours back. i already knew that i wouldnt tell him i was nearby... a mere 2 minutes. i sat in my room for hours staring out the window, writing in my journal. i didnt hear from him again that day. i have no idea what his reaction was.
however, i did "hear" from him exactly a week later... my birthday. yes, my 30th. he wished me a happy birthday on my facebook wall and said he hoped i had a great day. not the actual words, but that act of reaching out vs ignoring that day and not saying anything... i dont know what any of that means, if anything at all.
another week has passed since then, and all i have is silence.
i have no idea what he's thinking or if he even went through the box or if he threw things away. if he read the 200+ emails i printed out, looked at the pictures, read my letter. i dont know if his silence means he's thinking about things or giving me the courtesy of the favor i asked of him, thinking "the least i can do is wait before i let her down..." or worse, that's a perfect excuse for him to not have to confront me and tell me that there's no chance.
in any case, i'm giving him 2 months. 2 months from the drop off i'll mail him a letter saying i dont regret anything and i'd do it all again, but that i cant casually watch his life from the sidelines and not be a part of it.
i'm incredibly glad i did it. i know it was a long shot and am still prepared to hear the inevitable, but it was something i needed to do to say that i took the risk rather than always wondering...
February 10, 2010
excuse me, you're too busy writing your tragedy
i broke down today after seeing A's facebook status update mentioning her and how happy he was that she could work from home instead of risking the snowy drive to work ie they're still together ie he cares.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
February 6, 2010
update or status quo
happy (belated) new year!
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
October 27, 2009
trick or treat
it's been a minute.
not much has changed. i'm still at a standstill. the wedding is fast approaching. i'd really like to lose weight beforehand. hell knows i cant gain any and risk not fitting into my bridesmaid's dress.
speaking of dressing up, this year i'm going as nancy drew. i loved reading those books growing up. i have my magnifying glass and flashlight as props all ready to go. maybe my next mystery will be "the case of the missing will power." goodness knows i need to find it soon.
271 at the last weigh in. i'm definitely not missing, it's kind of hard not to spot me. bleh.
not much has changed. i'm still at a standstill. the wedding is fast approaching. i'd really like to lose weight beforehand. hell knows i cant gain any and risk not fitting into my bridesmaid's dress.
speaking of dressing up, this year i'm going as nancy drew. i loved reading those books growing up. i have my magnifying glass and flashlight as props all ready to go. maybe my next mystery will be "the case of the missing will power." goodness knows i need to find it soon.
271 at the last weigh in. i'm definitely not missing, it's kind of hard not to spot me. bleh.
October 13, 2009
ouch to the wallet
found the bridesmaid dress. didnt try it on (we had other girls to model) so wasnt too embarrassed. not sure if it's the most flattering.
had our measurements taken and was told i'd have to pay an extra $15 for the larger size i need.
yeah.
just in case you were wonder if i was exaggerating, i am not.
an extra $15 for my fat. glorious.
had our measurements taken and was told i'd have to pay an extra $15 for the larger size i need.
yeah.
just in case you were wonder if i was exaggerating, i am not.
an extra $15 for my fat. glorious.
October 9, 2009
shop til you drop
embarking on the dreaded bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow. i'm one of 5, all are varying sizes, but i'm def the largest. still a little nervous that i'll even be able to fit into anything to try on. it's a winter wedding so i've been told the dresses will be long. hopefully they're forgiving as well... speaking of weddings, how great was the office episode last night? dwight laying a kick to the face of one of the bridesmaids as they were doing the chris brown forever/youtube parody had me laughing out loud. i wont lie, i got a little misty eyed too.
in a little better mood today. got up early yesterday and walked the 2mile loop. i think my weight may be causing me heel pain aka plantar fascitis (sp?) so i'm hobbling like a little old lady today.
nothing on the A front to report, good or bad.
in a little better mood today. got up early yesterday and walked the 2mile loop. i think my weight may be causing me heel pain aka plantar fascitis (sp?) so i'm hobbling like a little old lady today.
nothing on the A front to report, good or bad.
October 7, 2009
there was no easy switch...
i'm sad.
i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.
i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.
i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:
"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."
i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.
i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.
i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:
"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."
surprised and encouraged
thanks to all who have joined to support me and shared some words of encouragement! i'm so appreciative of you taking your time to read/listen to someone who reached out and who you don't even know.
weight loss is a big part of this blog, but so is my second goal, although even attempting this one is so intertwined and dependent on the weight. please revisit one of my earlier posts about A titled "11 years ago to today (well in summary)" to get a full picture of my current adventure (although that may connotate more fun than it actually is!)
it's found here:
http://2morrowiwill.blogspot.com/2009/09/11-years-ago-to-today-well-in-summary.html
weight loss is a big part of this blog, but so is my second goal, although even attempting this one is so intertwined and dependent on the weight. please revisit one of my earlier posts about A titled "11 years ago to today (well in summary)" to get a full picture of my current adventure (although that may connotate more fun than it actually is!)
it's found here:
http://2morrowiwill.blogspot.com/2009/09/11-years-ago-to-today-well-in-summary.html
October 6, 2009
oops, i did it again
yes, i just used a britney song title for this post, but i'm trying to add a little humor here to mask the helplessness, embarrassment, and disgust i am feeling right now.
i did so well today up until dinner time when i felt the urge for chick-fil-a - chicken salad sandwich, waffle fries, plenty of mayo and ketchup for dipping, and if that werent enough, stopping by taco bell for a mexican pizza and cheese roll up.
totally freaking disgusted with myself.
is anyone out there? i could use some support. some words of advice. encouragement. someone to be accountable to because obviously being accountable to myself isnt working. at least i'm burning a smidgen of calories by typing these posts, but it would be nice to know that i'm not just sending them into the universe. anyone???
i kind of want to experiment and put this blog web address on some random web sites and blog "publicity" sites to see if i could get any followers, or in my case supporters. or even people to tell me to shut up, stop being a baby, get over myself - a good kick in the ass. someone to empathize? not just about the weight, but advice/pep talks/reality checks re: A.
marco...??
i did so well today up until dinner time when i felt the urge for chick-fil-a - chicken salad sandwich, waffle fries, plenty of mayo and ketchup for dipping, and if that werent enough, stopping by taco bell for a mexican pizza and cheese roll up.
totally freaking disgusted with myself.
is anyone out there? i could use some support. some words of advice. encouragement. someone to be accountable to because obviously being accountable to myself isnt working. at least i'm burning a smidgen of calories by typing these posts, but it would be nice to know that i'm not just sending them into the universe. anyone???
i kind of want to experiment and put this blog web address on some random web sites and blog "publicity" sites to see if i could get any followers, or in my case supporters. or even people to tell me to shut up, stop being a baby, get over myself - a good kick in the ass. someone to empathize? not just about the weight, but advice/pep talks/reality checks re: A.
marco...??
sushi and bulimia
i've never had an eating disorder... that is, unless you count me eating alot and ballooning up to where i am today. as ashamed as i am to admit, it's not for lack of trying. there have been times in my life where being so desperate to lose weight quickly led me to try some dangerous things. aside from being on and off various diet pills in college until up to a year ago, i also attempted some unhealthy weight loss methods in high school.
the first was laxatives. i had bought a pack of the chewable mint chocolate kind at a drugstore and, though scared, went home and ate a dose. i didnt take more than i should b/c i was still concerned about what would happen. i remember that not much did, and my younger sister discovered the wrapper in the trash can. she was in about 8th or 9th grade then and knew enough about what this could signify. she pulled me into my bedroom and said i needed to stop taking these right away, or else she'd tell our mom. i didnt admit for taking them for weight loss, but told her i was okay and that i'd stop. and i did.
the second occurred after watching one of those mtv true life documentaries. this one was about eating disorders and showed a girl who was bulimic. she would binge on all her favorite foods at once, eating like crazy large amounts, and then would puke it up into one of those big plastic storage bins she hid in her closet. obviously, the binging appealed to me much more than the purging, but i thought i could do it.
i remember driving through a couple of drive-thrus one night... taco bell was a favorite then.. and because i also wanted something sweet, went to a local grocery store where i picked up some coffee cake crumb donuts - an 8 pack i believe. i shoved everything in, all 8 donuts, all the fast food. it seriously was like a feeding frenzy you'd see on the discovery channel. for once i felt no guilt b/c i knew i would go home and throw it all up. after finishing the "meal," i went home and stuck a toothbrush down my throat, trying to gag myself to throw up and empty my stomach, but i couldnt do it! i dont know if i have an insensitve gag reflex or if in the back of my mind i was saying this wasnt a road i wanted to go down. i felt sick for the remaining of the evening with all that food in my belly, but also sick and disgusted with myself for not even being able to be bulimic correctly.
i emphasize that this is what i thought and did then. believe me, i have experienced friends on crazy diets, taking way too many weight loss pills, starving themselves, and even one friend that was sent away for inpatient treatment for bulimia for almost a month. she would tell me details about what led up to this decision to get serious help, but that's her story, not mine, so i wont go into it. but still, it was enough for me to be thankful that my try at this disease/disorder had been unsuccessful.
last night i had another "tomorrow i will" moment and i couldnt help myself. as i was leaving work, i ordered sushi from 2 different places b/c both menus sounded so good that i couldnt decide. while some may say sushi is healthy, i'm sure that the shrimp tempura, fried rolls with mayo and cream cheese dont exactly fall into that category. i added a double cheeseburger and medium coke to finish it all off. on the ride home from these places, i was looking at the stack of food on the seat beside me and thought "holy crap, that's alot. there's no way i'm going to eat it all" and instead of feeling guilty that i was even going to try, i became a little irritated with myself for spending all this money if i wasnt going to eat every bit. that irritation was assuaged when i finished it all. every piece of sushi. the whole double cheeseburger. it was delicious. it was repulsive.
i didnt try to throw any of it up, i didnt take a laxative. i fell asleep about a half hour after eating b/c i became so tired and full. i slept the whole night on my coach with the tv and lights on because i was so sleepy and didnt want to move. i woke up this morning with the empty carry out boxes and mcdonalds bag on the coffee table in front of me. i wasnt mad or sad, just more feeling a sense of hopelessness and resignment.
i'm promising myself that for the rest of this week... well, up until saturday night when i will probably be drinking... that i will not screw up the eating. i'm also setting up an exercise schedule which i will try my hardest to stick by. i'll check back in on sunday to report on this progress. hopefully my weigh in next monday will not be affected too much by last night's screw up, but more by the hard work goal i'm setting out to take on.
the first was laxatives. i had bought a pack of the chewable mint chocolate kind at a drugstore and, though scared, went home and ate a dose. i didnt take more than i should b/c i was still concerned about what would happen. i remember that not much did, and my younger sister discovered the wrapper in the trash can. she was in about 8th or 9th grade then and knew enough about what this could signify. she pulled me into my bedroom and said i needed to stop taking these right away, or else she'd tell our mom. i didnt admit for taking them for weight loss, but told her i was okay and that i'd stop. and i did.
the second occurred after watching one of those mtv true life documentaries. this one was about eating disorders and showed a girl who was bulimic. she would binge on all her favorite foods at once, eating like crazy large amounts, and then would puke it up into one of those big plastic storage bins she hid in her closet. obviously, the binging appealed to me much more than the purging, but i thought i could do it.
i remember driving through a couple of drive-thrus one night... taco bell was a favorite then.. and because i also wanted something sweet, went to a local grocery store where i picked up some coffee cake crumb donuts - an 8 pack i believe. i shoved everything in, all 8 donuts, all the fast food. it seriously was like a feeding frenzy you'd see on the discovery channel. for once i felt no guilt b/c i knew i would go home and throw it all up. after finishing the "meal," i went home and stuck a toothbrush down my throat, trying to gag myself to throw up and empty my stomach, but i couldnt do it! i dont know if i have an insensitve gag reflex or if in the back of my mind i was saying this wasnt a road i wanted to go down. i felt sick for the remaining of the evening with all that food in my belly, but also sick and disgusted with myself for not even being able to be bulimic correctly.
i emphasize that this is what i thought and did then. believe me, i have experienced friends on crazy diets, taking way too many weight loss pills, starving themselves, and even one friend that was sent away for inpatient treatment for bulimia for almost a month. she would tell me details about what led up to this decision to get serious help, but that's her story, not mine, so i wont go into it. but still, it was enough for me to be thankful that my try at this disease/disorder had been unsuccessful.
last night i had another "tomorrow i will" moment and i couldnt help myself. as i was leaving work, i ordered sushi from 2 different places b/c both menus sounded so good that i couldnt decide. while some may say sushi is healthy, i'm sure that the shrimp tempura, fried rolls with mayo and cream cheese dont exactly fall into that category. i added a double cheeseburger and medium coke to finish it all off. on the ride home from these places, i was looking at the stack of food on the seat beside me and thought "holy crap, that's alot. there's no way i'm going to eat it all" and instead of feeling guilty that i was even going to try, i became a little irritated with myself for spending all this money if i wasnt going to eat every bit. that irritation was assuaged when i finished it all. every piece of sushi. the whole double cheeseburger. it was delicious. it was repulsive.
i didnt try to throw any of it up, i didnt take a laxative. i fell asleep about a half hour after eating b/c i became so tired and full. i slept the whole night on my coach with the tv and lights on because i was so sleepy and didnt want to move. i woke up this morning with the empty carry out boxes and mcdonalds bag on the coffee table in front of me. i wasnt mad or sad, just more feeling a sense of hopelessness and resignment.
i'm promising myself that for the rest of this week... well, up until saturday night when i will probably be drinking... that i will not screw up the eating. i'm also setting up an exercise schedule which i will try my hardest to stick by. i'll check back in on sunday to report on this progress. hopefully my weigh in next monday will not be affected too much by last night's screw up, but more by the hard work goal i'm setting out to take on.
October 5, 2009
ugh
i thought i had done relatively well the past few days leading up to today's weigh in. i havent been doing any real exercising (although i started pilates yesterday) but i've been pretty good about my calorie counting up until friday when i had friends into town which involved a lot of restaurant eating and drinking. the weigh in this morning said i'm back up to 270. i feel like 370 though after seeing pictures of myself posted from this past weekend.
nothing from A. he hasnt updated his fb bday status but i have noticed some fb activity. he gave a general thank-you shout for the bday wishes (as i did for my bday) so i think the chances of him replying directly to me are slim to none.
bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. not only am i afraid i'm going to look horrible, but i'm worried they wont even have any dresses for me to try on b/c i wont fit in anything!
nothing from A. he hasnt updated his fb bday status but i have noticed some fb activity. he gave a general thank-you shout for the bday wishes (as i did for my bday) so i think the chances of him replying directly to me are slim to none.
bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. not only am i afraid i'm going to look horrible, but i'm worried they wont even have any dresses for me to try on b/c i wont fit in anything!
September 29, 2009
hmmm
i went with the humorous/friendlier version of a bday message to A. i dont know if he'll respond, or if it was too much?
new short-term goal: the weight limit on my exercise bike at home is 250 lbs, so i'm hoping to drop 19 quickly so i can hop on the bike again. def would bode well for winter if i could. it's already so cold out (well, like 55 degrees) but it's windy and rainy and gross. where did summer go?
new short-term goal: the weight limit on my exercise bike at home is 250 lbs, so i'm hoping to drop 19 quickly so i can hop on the bike again. def would bode well for winter if i could. it's already so cold out (well, like 55 degrees) but it's windy and rainy and gross. where did summer go?
September 28, 2009
269
weighed in today, actually lost a lb. beggars cant be choosers and i know i said i'd do this in baby steps, but i didnt mean a baby crawling through quicksand.
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
September 27, 2009
i wanted to be with you alone...
...and talk about the weather.
recently found my tears for fears greatest hits cd. hopefully singing in the car burns lots of calories. ha.
i havent done poorly the past few days, but havent done great. we'll see tomorrow at the weigh in.
random thoughts from the past week re: my weight. going out on the weekends with my friends is fun, but it's such a depressing feeling to feel so large yet so invisible at the same time. especially to guys who see right through you. also, i recently got off birth control, mainly b/c i think the new kind i started a few months ago is giving me melasma, but also i think the way i look right now is birth control enough. reality bites.
A's birthday is this week. i usually text him happy birthday but since he wished me a happy one on my wall for my past birthday, i feel like that is the way to go this year for him. i'm trying to find the fine line between breezy yet fun and caring. like the text messages, i dont expect him to respond.
from my fb "stalking" aka investigating, it looks like he had an early bday celebration with family up north. my initial reaction was, holy shit, he's going to use this time around his whole family to propose to her. havent seen anything to confirm or deny that yet so all i'm doing is praying and hoping that that isnt the case.
recently found my tears for fears greatest hits cd. hopefully singing in the car burns lots of calories. ha.
i havent done poorly the past few days, but havent done great. we'll see tomorrow at the weigh in.
random thoughts from the past week re: my weight. going out on the weekends with my friends is fun, but it's such a depressing feeling to feel so large yet so invisible at the same time. especially to guys who see right through you. also, i recently got off birth control, mainly b/c i think the new kind i started a few months ago is giving me melasma, but also i think the way i look right now is birth control enough. reality bites.
A's birthday is this week. i usually text him happy birthday but since he wished me a happy one on my wall for my past birthday, i feel like that is the way to go this year for him. i'm trying to find the fine line between breezy yet fun and caring. like the text messages, i dont expect him to respond.
from my fb "stalking" aka investigating, it looks like he had an early bday celebration with family up north. my initial reaction was, holy shit, he's going to use this time around his whole family to propose to her. havent seen anything to confirm or deny that yet so all i'm doing is praying and hoping that that isnt the case.
September 23, 2009
this old familiar place
i'm trying to get back on the wagon after several days of not-too-goodness. plus i think i have an ear infection, so that's been my excuse for pampering myself with ihop and not exercising. however, i look back on this wasted time and just want to get with the program already!
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
September 20, 2009
September 19, 2009
1 short-term goal and 1 shorter term goal
back to the weight loss for a second.
so, the big goal in this whole picture is to lose enough weight to confidently tell A how i feel. like i mentioned, this could happen this november, however, that looks really doubtful. that may happen in may instead (a long way away, i know).
now i have 2 mini-goals:
so, the big goal in this whole picture is to lose enough weight to confidently tell A how i feel. like i mentioned, this could happen this november, however, that looks really doubtful. that may happen in may instead (a long way away, i know).
now i have 2 mini-goals:
- i'm set to be a bridesmaid in early january. like most bridesmaid dresses, our potentials are sleeveless. to prevent extreme mortification, i've started using one of those firming lotions on my upper arms, which are.... huge. like seriously. even when i was at a relatively normal weight, for some reason my arms were massive. i had comments on them, this is just not my opinion. they've started developing cellulite in the under part of my upper arm and stretch marks. in a nutshell, they are not pretty. in addition to the lotion, the goal here is to make my arms look better than they do know, so come january i'm not horribly self concious the entire day, walking down the aisle, taking pictures, dancing, etc. yes, i know it's the bride's day. still, i cant help thinking that the guests will leave saying:
"what a lovely wedding. the bride was so beautiful. i'm so glad they had an open bar. did you see that one bridesmaid's massively grotesque arms? hahaha. yikes!"
- the above is my short-term goal. my shorter term goal is to have 7 straight days, just one measly week, of "excellence." i know it sounds like i'm setting myself up for failure, but i'll be reasonable about this. the specifics are that i will work out 2x a day (if work/weather permits), alternate ab training and arm training on those days, no fast food, healthy eating choices (if i know it's bad, say no thanks).
i'll keep you updated on my progress. today is day 1. that makes friday day 7. day 1 and day 7, because they fall on the weekend, may be the hardest in terms of food.
Stay Focused...
September 17, 2009
11 years ago to today (well, in summary)
well, almost 11. it will be 11 in about a month. hard to believe.
(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.
A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.
among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.
less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.
then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.
after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.
4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.
after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."
i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.
later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).
then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.
from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.
we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.
you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?
that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...
my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.
deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.
this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.
(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.
A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.
it was not a fairy tale, i'm not delusional. but i look back on the good and the bad and ache to relive it.
among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.
less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.
then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.
after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.
4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.
after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."
i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.
later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).
then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.
from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.
we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.
you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?
that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...
my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.
deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.
i'm working toward my happiness. i want to lose this weight. i want a chance with the man who still holds my heart.
this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.
Starting... now
i dont know why i decided to start this blog. mainly, i was bored at work. partly because i've tried to find other ways to hold myself accountable and to light a fire under my ass and make things happen. i dont even know if anyone will ever read it which to me is not important, but for a goal for a blog it's pretty uninspired and unambitious.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
more on this later.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)