epilogue

approximately a month after i made the drop off, he called me. the monday of the 3-day july 4th weekend to be exact. it was a little after 6pm.

we had abnormally normal chit chat for 2 minutes, and then he said he was calling because...

it's been a month since this happened and i'm trying to forget the minutia of it all. basically we talked about my overture like we were dissecting a baseball game or something as benign. at one point he said that he appreciated how we could talk this way about it. to me it all felt very removed. he, of course, said he was in a committed relationship. he said he began looking through the box but stopped b/c he began to feel disloyal to her.

he then said he was late to getting somewhere, could he call me back. i asked if that's what he wanted or if this should be it. he got confused. and then defensive. almost angry. i told him he didnt understand, that i couldnt be a friend to him. i couldnt be an observer in this life of his, in the real world or on stupid facebook. that if he ever really needed me, i would be there, but otherwise it was too hard. that this would be one of the most difficult things i'd ever have to do, but that i needed to be selfish now. at this point i was crying and not even trying to pretend i wasnt. i dont know what he expected the outcome of this would be. that i would've said these things and asked him for another chance, and when he said no we'd go back to being friendly acquaintances like before?

there was silence on the other end of the phone while i went on saying my goodbye. i thought he had hung up on me so i took the phone away from my ear and it said the call was still connected. i said "hello?" and he said he was there. he didnt have much to say except that if i ever changed my mind, i know where or how to find him. out of habit he said he'd call me later. he didnt but i wasnt expecting him to.

i wrote him a letter further explaining why, not wanting to leave anything up to misinterpretation or misunderstanding from the phone call. i mailed it that same night, as well as deleted him from my phone, email, etc.... and all of his friends too.

i've been trying not to think of him, have been stopping myself from saying his name, even if it's only in my own thoughts in my own head.

i cant believe it culminated in this. it makes me think it should've ended long ago. it makes me incredulous that he didnt want me to cast him out and offered up a way back in if i ever wanted it. it's not like we were in constant contact or that i knew much of anything about his life now. maybe i was always just a safety net, a security blanket.

i havent cried as much as i thought i would. no real hysterics or dramatics. i've been able to smile and laugh and joke. i'm still glad and in a way relieved that i did it and i no longer have to worry about the semantics of the how, when, where. it's done.

typing this is the most i've thought about it in awhile, so i'm going to stop now. just thought whoever, if anyone, is reading this should know the complete ending, at least of this story.

i'm 266.5 lbs now. not great progress. i hope to do better. i'm trying to make my tomorrows my todays, focusing on what i can do in the here and now rather than later. i might check in again if i make any successful milestones.

we'll see what happens.