i'm sad.
i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.
i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.
i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:
"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."
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Hey I found your blog on your SP message board. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. Although I do not know completly what you are going through I know it will all work out. I know everyone says that but it's because it's true. Whether it involves our current situation with a relationship in our life or our relationship with a personal struggle (weight, money, stress, etc) I always tell myself " One day I will not feel this bad." That gives me hope to know I won't be sad forever.
ReplyDeletethanks, shelli. i think i've found that telling myself that works as well - it's just the remembering to tell myself it that's tough!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my site! I find that if I talk about weight and money I will hold myself accountable!
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