sushi and bulimia

i've never had an eating disorder... that is, unless you count me eating alot and ballooning up to where i am today. as ashamed as i am to admit, it's not for lack of trying. there have been times in my life where being so desperate to lose weight quickly led me to try some dangerous things. aside from being on and off various diet pills in college until up to a year ago, i also attempted some unhealthy weight loss methods in high school.

the first was laxatives. i had bought a pack of the chewable mint chocolate kind at a drugstore and, though scared, went home and ate a dose. i didnt take more than i should b/c i was still concerned about what would happen. i remember that not much did, and my younger sister discovered the wrapper in the trash can. she was in about 8th or 9th grade then and knew enough about what this could signify. she pulled me into my bedroom and said i needed to stop taking these right away, or else she'd tell our mom. i didnt admit for taking them for weight loss, but told her i was okay and that i'd stop. and i did.

the second occurred after watching one of those mtv true life documentaries. this one was about eating disorders and showed a girl who was bulimic. she would binge on all her favorite foods at once, eating like crazy large amounts, and then would puke it up into one of those big plastic storage bins she hid in her closet. obviously, the binging appealed to me much more than the purging, but i thought i could do it.

i remember driving through a couple of drive-thrus one night... taco bell was a favorite then.. and because i also wanted something sweet, went to a local grocery store where i picked up some coffee cake crumb donuts - an 8 pack i believe. i shoved everything in, all 8 donuts, all the fast food. it seriously was like a feeding frenzy you'd see on the discovery channel. for once i felt no guilt b/c i knew i would go home and throw it all up. after finishing the "meal," i went home and stuck a toothbrush down my throat, trying to gag myself to throw up and empty my stomach, but i couldnt do it! i dont know if i have an insensitve gag reflex or if in the back of my mind i was saying this wasnt a road i wanted to go down. i felt sick for the remaining of the evening with all that food in my belly, but also sick and disgusted with myself for not even being able to be bulimic correctly.

i emphasize that this is what i thought and did then. believe me, i have experienced friends on crazy diets, taking way too many weight loss pills, starving themselves, and even one friend that was sent away for inpatient treatment for bulimia for almost a month. she would tell me details about what led up to this decision to get serious help, but that's her story, not mine, so i wont go into it. but still, it was enough for me to be thankful that my try at this disease/disorder had been unsuccessful.

last night i had another "tomorrow i will" moment and i couldnt help myself. as i was leaving work, i ordered sushi from 2 different places b/c both menus sounded so good that i couldnt decide. while some may say sushi is healthy, i'm sure that the shrimp tempura, fried rolls with mayo and cream cheese dont exactly fall into that category. i added a double cheeseburger and medium coke to finish it all off. on the ride home from these places, i was looking at the stack of food on the seat beside me and thought "holy crap, that's alot. there's no way i'm going to eat it all" and instead of feeling guilty that i was even going to try, i became a little irritated with myself for spending all this money if i wasnt going to eat every bit. that irritation was assuaged when i finished it all. every piece of sushi. the whole double cheeseburger. it was delicious. it was repulsive.

i didnt try to throw any of it up, i didnt take a laxative. i fell asleep about a half hour after eating b/c i became so tired and full. i slept the whole night on my coach with the tv and lights on because i was so sleepy and didnt want to move. i woke up this morning with the empty carry out boxes and mcdonalds bag on the coffee table in front of me. i wasnt mad or sad, just more feeling a sense of hopelessness and resignment.

i'm promising myself that for the rest of this week... well, up until saturday night when i will probably be drinking... that i will not screw up the eating. i'm also setting up an exercise schedule which i will try my hardest to stick by. i'll check back in on sunday to report on this progress. hopefully my weigh in next monday will not be affected too much by last night's screw up, but more by the hard work goal i'm setting out to take on.