Starting... now

i dont know why i decided to start this blog. mainly, i was bored at work. partly because i've tried to find other ways to hold myself accountable and to light a fire under my ass and make things happen. i dont even know if anyone will ever read it which to me is not important, but for a goal for a blog it's pretty uninspired and unambitious.

so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.

okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.

i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"

how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."

i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."

ugh.

i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.

btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.

so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.

what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.

more on this later.