11 years ago to today (well, in summary)

well, almost 11. it will be 11 in about a month. hard to believe.

(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.

A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.

it was not a fairy tale, i'm not delusional. but i look back on the good and the bad and ache to relive it.

among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.

less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.

then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.

after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.

4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.

after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."

i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.

later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).

then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.

from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.

we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.

you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?

that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...

my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.

deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.

i'm working toward my happiness. i want to lose this weight. i want a chance with the man who still holds my heart.

this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.