happy (belated) new year!
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
Showing posts with label goal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goal. Show all posts
February 6, 2010
October 27, 2009
trick or treat
it's been a minute.
not much has changed. i'm still at a standstill. the wedding is fast approaching. i'd really like to lose weight beforehand. hell knows i cant gain any and risk not fitting into my bridesmaid's dress.
speaking of dressing up, this year i'm going as nancy drew. i loved reading those books growing up. i have my magnifying glass and flashlight as props all ready to go. maybe my next mystery will be "the case of the missing will power." goodness knows i need to find it soon.
271 at the last weigh in. i'm definitely not missing, it's kind of hard not to spot me. bleh.
not much has changed. i'm still at a standstill. the wedding is fast approaching. i'd really like to lose weight beforehand. hell knows i cant gain any and risk not fitting into my bridesmaid's dress.
speaking of dressing up, this year i'm going as nancy drew. i loved reading those books growing up. i have my magnifying glass and flashlight as props all ready to go. maybe my next mystery will be "the case of the missing will power." goodness knows i need to find it soon.
271 at the last weigh in. i'm definitely not missing, it's kind of hard not to spot me. bleh.
October 13, 2009
ouch to the wallet
found the bridesmaid dress. didnt try it on (we had other girls to model) so wasnt too embarrassed. not sure if it's the most flattering.
had our measurements taken and was told i'd have to pay an extra $15 for the larger size i need.
yeah.
just in case you were wonder if i was exaggerating, i am not.
an extra $15 for my fat. glorious.
had our measurements taken and was told i'd have to pay an extra $15 for the larger size i need.
yeah.
just in case you were wonder if i was exaggerating, i am not.
an extra $15 for my fat. glorious.
October 7, 2009
there was no easy switch...
i'm sad.
i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.
i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.
i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:
"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."
i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.
i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.
i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:
"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."
surprised and encouraged
thanks to all who have joined to support me and shared some words of encouragement! i'm so appreciative of you taking your time to read/listen to someone who reached out and who you don't even know.
weight loss is a big part of this blog, but so is my second goal, although even attempting this one is so intertwined and dependent on the weight. please revisit one of my earlier posts about A titled "11 years ago to today (well in summary)" to get a full picture of my current adventure (although that may connotate more fun than it actually is!)
it's found here:
http://2morrowiwill.blogspot.com/2009/09/11-years-ago-to-today-well-in-summary.html
weight loss is a big part of this blog, but so is my second goal, although even attempting this one is so intertwined and dependent on the weight. please revisit one of my earlier posts about A titled "11 years ago to today (well in summary)" to get a full picture of my current adventure (although that may connotate more fun than it actually is!)
it's found here:
http://2morrowiwill.blogspot.com/2009/09/11-years-ago-to-today-well-in-summary.html
October 6, 2009
sushi and bulimia
i've never had an eating disorder... that is, unless you count me eating alot and ballooning up to where i am today. as ashamed as i am to admit, it's not for lack of trying. there have been times in my life where being so desperate to lose weight quickly led me to try some dangerous things. aside from being on and off various diet pills in college until up to a year ago, i also attempted some unhealthy weight loss methods in high school.
the first was laxatives. i had bought a pack of the chewable mint chocolate kind at a drugstore and, though scared, went home and ate a dose. i didnt take more than i should b/c i was still concerned about what would happen. i remember that not much did, and my younger sister discovered the wrapper in the trash can. she was in about 8th or 9th grade then and knew enough about what this could signify. she pulled me into my bedroom and said i needed to stop taking these right away, or else she'd tell our mom. i didnt admit for taking them for weight loss, but told her i was okay and that i'd stop. and i did.
the second occurred after watching one of those mtv true life documentaries. this one was about eating disorders and showed a girl who was bulimic. she would binge on all her favorite foods at once, eating like crazy large amounts, and then would puke it up into one of those big plastic storage bins she hid in her closet. obviously, the binging appealed to me much more than the purging, but i thought i could do it.
i remember driving through a couple of drive-thrus one night... taco bell was a favorite then.. and because i also wanted something sweet, went to a local grocery store where i picked up some coffee cake crumb donuts - an 8 pack i believe. i shoved everything in, all 8 donuts, all the fast food. it seriously was like a feeding frenzy you'd see on the discovery channel. for once i felt no guilt b/c i knew i would go home and throw it all up. after finishing the "meal," i went home and stuck a toothbrush down my throat, trying to gag myself to throw up and empty my stomach, but i couldnt do it! i dont know if i have an insensitve gag reflex or if in the back of my mind i was saying this wasnt a road i wanted to go down. i felt sick for the remaining of the evening with all that food in my belly, but also sick and disgusted with myself for not even being able to be bulimic correctly.
i emphasize that this is what i thought and did then. believe me, i have experienced friends on crazy diets, taking way too many weight loss pills, starving themselves, and even one friend that was sent away for inpatient treatment for bulimia for almost a month. she would tell me details about what led up to this decision to get serious help, but that's her story, not mine, so i wont go into it. but still, it was enough for me to be thankful that my try at this disease/disorder had been unsuccessful.
last night i had another "tomorrow i will" moment and i couldnt help myself. as i was leaving work, i ordered sushi from 2 different places b/c both menus sounded so good that i couldnt decide. while some may say sushi is healthy, i'm sure that the shrimp tempura, fried rolls with mayo and cream cheese dont exactly fall into that category. i added a double cheeseburger and medium coke to finish it all off. on the ride home from these places, i was looking at the stack of food on the seat beside me and thought "holy crap, that's alot. there's no way i'm going to eat it all" and instead of feeling guilty that i was even going to try, i became a little irritated with myself for spending all this money if i wasnt going to eat every bit. that irritation was assuaged when i finished it all. every piece of sushi. the whole double cheeseburger. it was delicious. it was repulsive.
i didnt try to throw any of it up, i didnt take a laxative. i fell asleep about a half hour after eating b/c i became so tired and full. i slept the whole night on my coach with the tv and lights on because i was so sleepy and didnt want to move. i woke up this morning with the empty carry out boxes and mcdonalds bag on the coffee table in front of me. i wasnt mad or sad, just more feeling a sense of hopelessness and resignment.
i'm promising myself that for the rest of this week... well, up until saturday night when i will probably be drinking... that i will not screw up the eating. i'm also setting up an exercise schedule which i will try my hardest to stick by. i'll check back in on sunday to report on this progress. hopefully my weigh in next monday will not be affected too much by last night's screw up, but more by the hard work goal i'm setting out to take on.
the first was laxatives. i had bought a pack of the chewable mint chocolate kind at a drugstore and, though scared, went home and ate a dose. i didnt take more than i should b/c i was still concerned about what would happen. i remember that not much did, and my younger sister discovered the wrapper in the trash can. she was in about 8th or 9th grade then and knew enough about what this could signify. she pulled me into my bedroom and said i needed to stop taking these right away, or else she'd tell our mom. i didnt admit for taking them for weight loss, but told her i was okay and that i'd stop. and i did.
the second occurred after watching one of those mtv true life documentaries. this one was about eating disorders and showed a girl who was bulimic. she would binge on all her favorite foods at once, eating like crazy large amounts, and then would puke it up into one of those big plastic storage bins she hid in her closet. obviously, the binging appealed to me much more than the purging, but i thought i could do it.
i remember driving through a couple of drive-thrus one night... taco bell was a favorite then.. and because i also wanted something sweet, went to a local grocery store where i picked up some coffee cake crumb donuts - an 8 pack i believe. i shoved everything in, all 8 donuts, all the fast food. it seriously was like a feeding frenzy you'd see on the discovery channel. for once i felt no guilt b/c i knew i would go home and throw it all up. after finishing the "meal," i went home and stuck a toothbrush down my throat, trying to gag myself to throw up and empty my stomach, but i couldnt do it! i dont know if i have an insensitve gag reflex or if in the back of my mind i was saying this wasnt a road i wanted to go down. i felt sick for the remaining of the evening with all that food in my belly, but also sick and disgusted with myself for not even being able to be bulimic correctly.
i emphasize that this is what i thought and did then. believe me, i have experienced friends on crazy diets, taking way too many weight loss pills, starving themselves, and even one friend that was sent away for inpatient treatment for bulimia for almost a month. she would tell me details about what led up to this decision to get serious help, but that's her story, not mine, so i wont go into it. but still, it was enough for me to be thankful that my try at this disease/disorder had been unsuccessful.
last night i had another "tomorrow i will" moment and i couldnt help myself. as i was leaving work, i ordered sushi from 2 different places b/c both menus sounded so good that i couldnt decide. while some may say sushi is healthy, i'm sure that the shrimp tempura, fried rolls with mayo and cream cheese dont exactly fall into that category. i added a double cheeseburger and medium coke to finish it all off. on the ride home from these places, i was looking at the stack of food on the seat beside me and thought "holy crap, that's alot. there's no way i'm going to eat it all" and instead of feeling guilty that i was even going to try, i became a little irritated with myself for spending all this money if i wasnt going to eat every bit. that irritation was assuaged when i finished it all. every piece of sushi. the whole double cheeseburger. it was delicious. it was repulsive.
i didnt try to throw any of it up, i didnt take a laxative. i fell asleep about a half hour after eating b/c i became so tired and full. i slept the whole night on my coach with the tv and lights on because i was so sleepy and didnt want to move. i woke up this morning with the empty carry out boxes and mcdonalds bag on the coffee table in front of me. i wasnt mad or sad, just more feeling a sense of hopelessness and resignment.
i'm promising myself that for the rest of this week... well, up until saturday night when i will probably be drinking... that i will not screw up the eating. i'm also setting up an exercise schedule which i will try my hardest to stick by. i'll check back in on sunday to report on this progress. hopefully my weigh in next monday will not be affected too much by last night's screw up, but more by the hard work goal i'm setting out to take on.
October 5, 2009
ugh
i thought i had done relatively well the past few days leading up to today's weigh in. i havent been doing any real exercising (although i started pilates yesterday) but i've been pretty good about my calorie counting up until friday when i had friends into town which involved a lot of restaurant eating and drinking. the weigh in this morning said i'm back up to 270. i feel like 370 though after seeing pictures of myself posted from this past weekend.
nothing from A. he hasnt updated his fb bday status but i have noticed some fb activity. he gave a general thank-you shout for the bday wishes (as i did for my bday) so i think the chances of him replying directly to me are slim to none.
bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. not only am i afraid i'm going to look horrible, but i'm worried they wont even have any dresses for me to try on b/c i wont fit in anything!
nothing from A. he hasnt updated his fb bday status but i have noticed some fb activity. he gave a general thank-you shout for the bday wishes (as i did for my bday) so i think the chances of him replying directly to me are slim to none.
bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. not only am i afraid i'm going to look horrible, but i'm worried they wont even have any dresses for me to try on b/c i wont fit in anything!
September 28, 2009
269
weighed in today, actually lost a lb. beggars cant be choosers and i know i said i'd do this in baby steps, but i didnt mean a baby crawling through quicksand.
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
September 23, 2009
this old familiar place
i'm trying to get back on the wagon after several days of not-too-goodness. plus i think i have an ear infection, so that's been my excuse for pampering myself with ihop and not exercising. however, i look back on this wasted time and just want to get with the program already!
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
September 20, 2009
September 17, 2009
Starting... now
i dont know why i decided to start this blog. mainly, i was bored at work. partly because i've tried to find other ways to hold myself accountable and to light a fire under my ass and make things happen. i dont even know if anyone will ever read it which to me is not important, but for a goal for a blog it's pretty uninspired and unambitious.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
more on this later.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
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