excuse me, you're too busy writing your tragedy

i broke down today after seeing A's facebook status update mentioning her and how happy he was that she could work from home instead of risking the snowy drive to work ie they're still together ie he cares.

well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.

he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.

i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.

i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ

beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.

shop til you drop

embarking on the dreaded bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow. i'm one of 5, all are varying sizes, but i'm def the largest. still a little nervous that i'll even be able to fit into anything to try on. it's a winter wedding so i've been told the dresses will be long. hopefully they're forgiving as well... speaking of weddings, how great was the office episode last night? dwight laying a kick to the face of one of the bridesmaids as they were doing the chris brown forever/youtube parody had me laughing out loud. i wont lie, i got a little misty eyed too.

in a little better mood today. got up early yesterday and walked the 2mile loop. i think my weight may be causing me heel pain aka plantar fascitis (sp?) so i'm hobbling like a little old lady today.

nothing on the A front to report, good or bad.

there was no easy switch...

i'm sad.

i could come up with a more elaborate way to say it, but the simplest way sums it up. i miss A. i see those glimpses of his life via facebook, see her write on his wall, and it makes me sick. i miss him. i'm mad at myself for not telling him this summer and know it will be my fault if he gets engaged before i can lose this weight and tell him this coming spring. if it's meant to be, it will be, offers no consolation. everything happens for a reason, the creed i've lived by for more than a decade, holds no comfort.

i'm annoying and depressing even myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm sad. just regular old 3-letter word sad. sad in every which way. i know the answer to this is to take control of the one thing i should be able to, which is my weight loss. i'm housesitting in a great neighborhood to take walks in, so i'm waking up extra early tomorrow morning to walk the 2-mile loop i've timed for myself. the same loop i carved out years ago when A and i would be apart for the summer months until school started and i was trying to lose weight, albeit much less then, so even that walking route holds memories.

i hope to be more upbeat the next time i post as i'm sure following right now cant be too uplifting. but to close, i was reading a jodi picoult book awhile back, and came across this quote which i never thought could describe my current feelings so completely:

"there was no easy switch that she could flip to stem the flow of feelings. no way to drain the memories that pooled like acid in her stomach because her heart no longer knew what to do with them."

surprised and encouraged

thanks to all who have joined to support me and shared some words of encouragement! i'm so appreciative of you taking your time to read/listen to someone who reached out and who you don't even know.

weight loss is a big part of this blog, but so is my second goal, although even attempting this one is so intertwined and dependent on the weight. please revisit one of my earlier posts about A titled "11 years ago to today (well in summary)" to get a full picture of my current adventure (although that may connotate more fun than it actually is!)

it's found here:
http://2morrowiwill.blogspot.com/2009/09/11-years-ago-to-today-well-in-summary.html

oops, i did it again

yes, i just used a britney song title for this post, but i'm trying to add a little humor here to mask the helplessness, embarrassment, and disgust i am feeling right now.

i did so well today up until dinner time when i felt the urge for chick-fil-a - chicken salad sandwich, waffle fries, plenty of mayo and ketchup for dipping, and if that werent enough, stopping by taco bell for a mexican pizza and cheese roll up.

totally freaking disgusted with myself.

is anyone out there? i could use some support. some words of advice. encouragement. someone to be accountable to because obviously being accountable to myself isnt working. at least i'm burning a smidgen of calories by typing these posts, but it would be nice to know that i'm not just sending them into the universe. anyone???

i kind of want to experiment and put this blog web address on some random web sites and blog "publicity" sites to see if i could get any followers, or in my case supporters. or even people to tell me to shut up, stop being a baby, get over myself - a good kick in the ass. someone to empathize? not just about the weight, but advice/pep talks/reality checks re: A.

marco...??

ugh

i thought i had done relatively well the past few days leading up to today's weigh in. i havent been doing any real exercising (although i started pilates yesterday) but i've been pretty good about my calorie counting up until friday when i had friends into town which involved a lot of restaurant eating and drinking. the weigh in this morning said i'm back up to 270. i feel like 370 though after seeing pictures of myself posted from this past weekend.

nothing from A. he hasnt updated his fb bday status but i have noticed some fb activity. he gave a general thank-you shout for the bday wishes (as i did for my bday) so i think the chances of him replying directly to me are slim to none.

bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. not only am i afraid i'm going to look horrible, but i'm worried they wont even have any dresses for me to try on b/c i wont fit in anything!

hmmm

i went with the humorous/friendlier version of a bday message to A. i dont know if he'll respond, or if it was too much?

new short-term goal: the weight limit on my exercise bike at home is 250 lbs, so i'm hoping to drop 19 quickly so i can hop on the bike again. def would bode well for winter if i could. it's already so cold out (well, like 55 degrees) but it's windy and rainy and gross. where did summer go?

i wanted to be with you alone...

...and talk about the weather.

recently found my tears for fears greatest hits cd. hopefully singing in the car burns lots of calories. ha.

i havent done poorly the past few days, but havent done great. we'll see tomorrow at the weigh in.

random thoughts from the past week re: my weight. going out on the weekends with my friends is fun, but it's such a depressing feeling to feel so large yet so invisible at the same time. especially to guys who see right through you. also, i recently got off birth control, mainly b/c i think the new kind i started a few months ago is giving me melasma, but also i think the way i look right now is birth control enough. reality bites.

A's birthday is this week. i usually text him happy birthday but since he wished me a happy one on my wall for my past birthday, i feel like that is the way to go this year for him. i'm trying to find the fine line between breezy yet fun and caring. like the text messages, i dont expect him to respond.

from my fb "stalking" aka investigating, it looks like he had an early bday celebration with family up north. my initial reaction was, holy shit, he's going to use this time around his whole family to propose to her. havent seen anything to confirm or deny that yet so all i'm doing is praying and hoping that that isnt the case.

this old familiar place

i'm trying to get back on the wagon after several days of not-too-goodness. plus i think i have an ear infection, so that's been my excuse for pampering myself with ihop and not exercising. however, i look back on this wasted time and just want to get with the program already!

i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.

i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!

nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.

i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.

wish me luck. again.

well...

...so much for that.

back at it again tomorrow.

1 short-term goal and 1 shorter term goal

back to the weight loss for a second.

so, the big goal in this whole picture is to lose enough weight to confidently tell A how i feel. like i mentioned, this could happen this november, however, that looks really doubtful. that may happen in may instead (a long way away, i know).

now i have 2 mini-goals:

• i'm set to be a bridesmaid in early january. like most bridesmaid dresses, our potentials are sleeveless. to prevent extreme mortification, i've started using one of those firming lotions on my upper arms, which are.... huge. like seriously. even when i was at a relatively normal weight, for some reason my arms were massive. i had comments on them, this is just not my opinion. they've started developing cellulite in the under part of my upper arm and stretch marks. in a nutshell, they are not pretty. in addition to the lotion, the goal here is to make my arms look better than they do know, so come january i'm not horribly self concious the entire day, walking down the aisle, taking pictures, dancing, etc. yes, i know it's the bride's day. still, i cant help thinking that the guests will leave saying:

"what a lovely wedding. the bride was so beautiful. i'm so glad they had an open bar. did you see that one bridesmaid's massively grotesque arms? hahaha. yikes!"

• the above is my short-term goal. my shorter term goal is to have 7 straight days, just one measly week, of "excellence." i know it sounds like i'm setting myself up for failure, but i'll be reasonable about this. the specifics are that i will work out 2x a day (if work/weather permits), alternate ab training and arm training on those days, no fast food, healthy eating choices (if i know it's bad, say no thanks).

i'll keep you updated on my progress. today is day 1. that makes friday day 7. day 1 and day 7, because they fall on the weekend, may be the hardest in terms of food.

Stay Focused...

11 years ago to today (well, in summary)

well, almost 11. it will be 11 in about a month. hard to believe.

(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.

A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.

it was not a fairy tale, i'm not delusional. but i look back on the good and the bad and ache to relive it.

among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.

less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.

then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.

after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.

4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.

after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."

i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.

later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).

then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.

from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.

we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.

you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?

that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...

my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.

deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.

i'm working toward my happiness. i want to lose this weight. i want a chance with the man who still holds my heart.

this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.

Starting... now

i dont know why i decided to start this blog. mainly, i was bored at work. partly because i've tried to find other ways to hold myself accountable and to light a fire under my ass and make things happen. i dont even know if anyone will ever read it which to me is not important, but for a goal for a blog it's pretty uninspired and unambitious.

so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.

okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.

i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"

how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."

i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."

ugh.

i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.

btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.

so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.

what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.

more on this later.