approximately a month after i made the drop off, he called me. the monday of the 3-day july 4th weekend to be exact. it was a little after 6pm.
we had abnormally normal chit chat for 2 minutes, and then he said he was calling because...
it's been a month since this happened and i'm trying to forget the minutia of it all. basically we talked about my overture like we were dissecting a baseball game or something as benign. at one point he said that he appreciated how we could talk this way about it. to me it all felt very removed. he, of course, said he was in a committed relationship. he said he began looking through the box but stopped b/c he began to feel disloyal to her.
he then said he was late to getting somewhere, could he call me back. i asked if that's what he wanted or if this should be it. he got confused. and then defensive. almost angry. i told him he didnt understand, that i couldnt be a friend to him. i couldnt be an observer in this life of his, in the real world or on stupid facebook. that if he ever really needed me, i would be there, but otherwise it was too hard. that this would be one of the most difficult things i'd ever have to do, but that i needed to be selfish now. at this point i was crying and not even trying to pretend i wasnt. i dont know what he expected the outcome of this would be. that i would've said these things and asked him for another chance, and when he said no we'd go back to being friendly acquaintances like before?
there was silence on the other end of the phone while i went on saying my goodbye. i thought he had hung up on me so i took the phone away from my ear and it said the call was still connected. i said "hello?" and he said he was there. he didnt have much to say except that if i ever changed my mind, i know where or how to find him. out of habit he said he'd call me later. he didnt but i wasnt expecting him to.
i wrote him a letter further explaining why, not wanting to leave anything up to misinterpretation or misunderstanding from the phone call. i mailed it that same night, as well as deleted him from my phone, email, etc.... and all of his friends too.
i've been trying not to think of him, have been stopping myself from saying his name, even if it's only in my own thoughts in my own head.
i cant believe it culminated in this. it makes me think it should've ended long ago. it makes me incredulous that he didnt want me to cast him out and offered up a way back in if i ever wanted it. it's not like we were in constant contact or that i knew much of anything about his life now. maybe i was always just a safety net, a security blanket.
i havent cried as much as i thought i would. no real hysterics or dramatics. i've been able to smile and laugh and joke. i'm still glad and in a way relieved that i did it and i no longer have to worry about the semantics of the how, when, where. it's done.
typing this is the most i've thought about it in awhile, so i'm going to stop now. just thought whoever, if anyone, is reading this should know the complete ending, at least of this story.
i'm 266.5 lbs now. not great progress. i hope to do better. i'm trying to make my tomorrows my todays, focusing on what i can do in the here and now rather than later. i might check in again if i make any successful milestones.
we'll see what happens.
August 7, 2010
June 24, 2010
I did it...
i havent updated this in awhile. i think being held accountable with my impending self-imposed deadline was too much. despite not losing any vast amounts of weight and despite being terrified, i did it.
about 2 weeks ago i dropped off a box filled with mementos and memories from our years of dating - everything from stuffed animals and movie stubs to love letters, pictures, jewelry - and a note, front and back that explained why i couldnt hold onto these things anymore, that i know he has a girlfriend and that this must all seem complicated and inconvenient and out of the blue and maybe crazy... but that i was doing it anyway b/c the truth was that i missed him and wanted a second chance for us. that no one has ever meant and still means as much as he has to me.
in the letter i told him to do me a favor and to think things through before he reacted or responded. that this was about us - him and me- and that there was also something special there.
as i left the box and letter on his doorstep (i knew he was at work at the time), i texted him to give him a heads up. i said i had left a box at his door with a note inside explaining and asked him to please not be upset with me. he responded within a few minutes asking if i could explain a little now, and as i was texting a reply, he called me. i didnt pick up. i wanted the letter and box to speak to him first. i responded to him saying i had returned some things to him and that the letter could explain it best. he texted again asking what part would make him mad... i said i didnt think any part would.
then i checked myself into a nearby hotel. i had made the reservation under the assumption that i wouldnt be in the best emotional state to get on the highway and drive the 2 hours back. i already knew that i wouldnt tell him i was nearby... a mere 2 minutes. i sat in my room for hours staring out the window, writing in my journal. i didnt hear from him again that day. i have no idea what his reaction was.
however, i did "hear" from him exactly a week later... my birthday. yes, my 30th. he wished me a happy birthday on my facebook wall and said he hoped i had a great day. not the actual words, but that act of reaching out vs ignoring that day and not saying anything... i dont know what any of that means, if anything at all.
another week has passed since then, and all i have is silence.
i have no idea what he's thinking or if he even went through the box or if he threw things away. if he read the 200+ emails i printed out, looked at the pictures, read my letter. i dont know if his silence means he's thinking about things or giving me the courtesy of the favor i asked of him, thinking "the least i can do is wait before i let her down..." or worse, that's a perfect excuse for him to not have to confront me and tell me that there's no chance.
in any case, i'm giving him 2 months. 2 months from the drop off i'll mail him a letter saying i dont regret anything and i'd do it all again, but that i cant casually watch his life from the sidelines and not be a part of it.
i'm incredibly glad i did it. i know it was a long shot and am still prepared to hear the inevitable, but it was something i needed to do to say that i took the risk rather than always wondering...
about 2 weeks ago i dropped off a box filled with mementos and memories from our years of dating - everything from stuffed animals and movie stubs to love letters, pictures, jewelry - and a note, front and back that explained why i couldnt hold onto these things anymore, that i know he has a girlfriend and that this must all seem complicated and inconvenient and out of the blue and maybe crazy... but that i was doing it anyway b/c the truth was that i missed him and wanted a second chance for us. that no one has ever meant and still means as much as he has to me.
in the letter i told him to do me a favor and to think things through before he reacted or responded. that this was about us - him and me- and that there was also something special there.
as i left the box and letter on his doorstep (i knew he was at work at the time), i texted him to give him a heads up. i said i had left a box at his door with a note inside explaining and asked him to please not be upset with me. he responded within a few minutes asking if i could explain a little now, and as i was texting a reply, he called me. i didnt pick up. i wanted the letter and box to speak to him first. i responded to him saying i had returned some things to him and that the letter could explain it best. he texted again asking what part would make him mad... i said i didnt think any part would.
then i checked myself into a nearby hotel. i had made the reservation under the assumption that i wouldnt be in the best emotional state to get on the highway and drive the 2 hours back. i already knew that i wouldnt tell him i was nearby... a mere 2 minutes. i sat in my room for hours staring out the window, writing in my journal. i didnt hear from him again that day. i have no idea what his reaction was.
however, i did "hear" from him exactly a week later... my birthday. yes, my 30th. he wished me a happy birthday on my facebook wall and said he hoped i had a great day. not the actual words, but that act of reaching out vs ignoring that day and not saying anything... i dont know what any of that means, if anything at all.
another week has passed since then, and all i have is silence.
i have no idea what he's thinking or if he even went through the box or if he threw things away. if he read the 200+ emails i printed out, looked at the pictures, read my letter. i dont know if his silence means he's thinking about things or giving me the courtesy of the favor i asked of him, thinking "the least i can do is wait before i let her down..." or worse, that's a perfect excuse for him to not have to confront me and tell me that there's no chance.
in any case, i'm giving him 2 months. 2 months from the drop off i'll mail him a letter saying i dont regret anything and i'd do it all again, but that i cant casually watch his life from the sidelines and not be a part of it.
i'm incredibly glad i did it. i know it was a long shot and am still prepared to hear the inevitable, but it was something i needed to do to say that i took the risk rather than always wondering...
February 10, 2010
excuse me, you're too busy writing your tragedy
i broke down today after seeing A's facebook status update mentioning her and how happy he was that she could work from home instead of risking the snowy drive to work ie they're still together ie he cares.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
well, i mean obviously he does. this march it will be 3 fucking years for them. but to know that and then to see it right there are two different things. it makes it really real.
he's been the only man i've ever loved. and then i started thinking: what if that's it? what if he's the only man i DO ever love. or even yet, the only man to ever love me. what if that's it for me.
i feel like i disappointed the girl i used to be. looking at pictures i was full of hope and unknowing. i feel like i let her down. this is what she had to look forward to. her still holding onto a man she loved a decade ago. i feel defeated and angry and sorry and sad. defeated. broken down. jealous. annoyed. worried. scared.
i rewatched garden state this weekend. great movie. great soundtrack. including this song which i have on repeat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQfFbEUPNnQ
beauty in the breakdown.
i guess we'll see.
February 6, 2010
update or status quo
happy (belated) new year!
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
not much new here though. i havent updated lately b/c there's been nothing to write about. im still fat. actually, fatter. i think the last time i even dare tried to get on a scale i was 274. that number is supposed to be going down, not up obviously.
as far as i know, he's still with her. gross. no word of engagement... made it through the holidays, although the dreaded valentines day, her bday, and their anniversary is approaching and must pass before my may 5, 2010 reveal to A. i sent him a christmas card but we have not had any other interaction, just me confirming his mailing address with him. depressing.
counting today, thats 87 days away. obviously i'm not going to achieve any amazing weight loss achievements in that short time, and i kick myself for wasting time. however, i need to start losing.
i've started doing step aerobics at home, trying to watch what i eat, but i know i can do more, do better.
i must do better.
the wedding came and went. i was so self concious of my arms in that dress. and now im in another wedding in june. thankfully, that dress is long too, but it's also sleeveless... one more reason to do better.
do it. do it. do it.
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