i went with the humorous/friendlier version of a bday message to A. i dont know if he'll respond, or if it was too much?
new short-term goal: the weight limit on my exercise bike at home is 250 lbs, so i'm hoping to drop 19 quickly so i can hop on the bike again. def would bode well for winter if i could. it's already so cold out (well, like 55 degrees) but it's windy and rainy and gross. where did summer go?
September 29, 2009
September 28, 2009
269
weighed in today, actually lost a lb. beggars cant be choosers and i know i said i'd do this in baby steps, but i didnt mean a baby crawling through quicksand.
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
did i mention i pay for a gym membership every month? and did i mention i havent been since probably july? and that's a conservative estimate. i dont like working out in front of people though. i'd rather sweat and look like a fatty with as few people around as possible, thank you very much. i used to accomplish this by getting to the gym at 530am or going after 11pm at night. i hope to get into that routine soon again. the most successful weight loss attempt i've ever had involved riding a stationary bike at my apt. however, i'm now too heavy to climb aboard the cheapie one i have, but i think the gym's would be good for me. if the weather sucks tomorrow morning and i cant go walking outside, maybe i'll revisit the bike method instead...
September 27, 2009
i wanted to be with you alone...
...and talk about the weather.
recently found my tears for fears greatest hits cd. hopefully singing in the car burns lots of calories. ha.
i havent done poorly the past few days, but havent done great. we'll see tomorrow at the weigh in.
random thoughts from the past week re: my weight. going out on the weekends with my friends is fun, but it's such a depressing feeling to feel so large yet so invisible at the same time. especially to guys who see right through you. also, i recently got off birth control, mainly b/c i think the new kind i started a few months ago is giving me melasma, but also i think the way i look right now is birth control enough. reality bites.
A's birthday is this week. i usually text him happy birthday but since he wished me a happy one on my wall for my past birthday, i feel like that is the way to go this year for him. i'm trying to find the fine line between breezy yet fun and caring. like the text messages, i dont expect him to respond.
from my fb "stalking" aka investigating, it looks like he had an early bday celebration with family up north. my initial reaction was, holy shit, he's going to use this time around his whole family to propose to her. havent seen anything to confirm or deny that yet so all i'm doing is praying and hoping that that isnt the case.
recently found my tears for fears greatest hits cd. hopefully singing in the car burns lots of calories. ha.
i havent done poorly the past few days, but havent done great. we'll see tomorrow at the weigh in.
random thoughts from the past week re: my weight. going out on the weekends with my friends is fun, but it's such a depressing feeling to feel so large yet so invisible at the same time. especially to guys who see right through you. also, i recently got off birth control, mainly b/c i think the new kind i started a few months ago is giving me melasma, but also i think the way i look right now is birth control enough. reality bites.
A's birthday is this week. i usually text him happy birthday but since he wished me a happy one on my wall for my past birthday, i feel like that is the way to go this year for him. i'm trying to find the fine line between breezy yet fun and caring. like the text messages, i dont expect him to respond.
from my fb "stalking" aka investigating, it looks like he had an early bday celebration with family up north. my initial reaction was, holy shit, he's going to use this time around his whole family to propose to her. havent seen anything to confirm or deny that yet so all i'm doing is praying and hoping that that isnt the case.
September 23, 2009
this old familiar place
i'm trying to get back on the wagon after several days of not-too-goodness. plus i think i have an ear infection, so that's been my excuse for pampering myself with ihop and not exercising. however, i look back on this wasted time and just want to get with the program already!
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
i've started keeping a food journal and am treating it like a checkbook. i am allowing myself 1300 calories a day, and subtract what i'm eating to get my new balance. we'll see how long i can keep this up.
i also weighed in earlier this week and am now at 270 lbs. although this was before my somewhat of a bender, i'll take any loss as a good loss. hopefully i'll never see 271.5 again!
nothing new with the A situation, although i'm finding plenty of reasons aside from that gigantic one to really get my ass in gear. halloween is coming up and i need to fit into a costume. there's that wedding too. all the right reasons, but not the motivation to jump start anything.
i think the new strategy is baby steps. starting now, as in not tomorrow. but now. at 10:57am on 9/23.
wish me luck. again.
September 20, 2009
September 19, 2009
1 short-term goal and 1 shorter term goal
back to the weight loss for a second.
so, the big goal in this whole picture is to lose enough weight to confidently tell A how i feel. like i mentioned, this could happen this november, however, that looks really doubtful. that may happen in may instead (a long way away, i know).
now i have 2 mini-goals:
so, the big goal in this whole picture is to lose enough weight to confidently tell A how i feel. like i mentioned, this could happen this november, however, that looks really doubtful. that may happen in may instead (a long way away, i know).
now i have 2 mini-goals:
- i'm set to be a bridesmaid in early january. like most bridesmaid dresses, our potentials are sleeveless. to prevent extreme mortification, i've started using one of those firming lotions on my upper arms, which are.... huge. like seriously. even when i was at a relatively normal weight, for some reason my arms were massive. i had comments on them, this is just not my opinion. they've started developing cellulite in the under part of my upper arm and stretch marks. in a nutshell, they are not pretty. in addition to the lotion, the goal here is to make my arms look better than they do know, so come january i'm not horribly self concious the entire day, walking down the aisle, taking pictures, dancing, etc. yes, i know it's the bride's day. still, i cant help thinking that the guests will leave saying:
"what a lovely wedding. the bride was so beautiful. i'm so glad they had an open bar. did you see that one bridesmaid's massively grotesque arms? hahaha. yikes!"
- the above is my short-term goal. my shorter term goal is to have 7 straight days, just one measly week, of "excellence." i know it sounds like i'm setting myself up for failure, but i'll be reasonable about this. the specifics are that i will work out 2x a day (if work/weather permits), alternate ab training and arm training on those days, no fast food, healthy eating choices (if i know it's bad, say no thanks).
i'll keep you updated on my progress. today is day 1. that makes friday day 7. day 1 and day 7, because they fall on the weekend, may be the hardest in terms of food.
Stay Focused...
September 17, 2009
11 years ago to today (well, in summary)
well, almost 11. it will be 11 in about a month. hard to believe.
(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.
A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.
among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.
less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.
then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.
after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.
4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.
after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."
i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.
later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).
then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.
from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.
we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.
you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?
that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...
my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.
deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.
this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.
(almost) 11 years ago, i met my first love. i'll call him A.
A and i met in college. he was my first real boyfriend. my first real kiss. my first of everything important basically. he was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. he was the first man i slept with. he was my best friend, my boyfriend. i have never been able to be so completely myself around someone. i had never been so happy. we certainly had our fights.
it was not a fairy tale, i'm not delusional. but i look back on the good and the bad and ache to relive it.
among all my firsts, was my first heartbreak.
less than a month past our 2-year anniversary, he broke up with me. it was the start of our senior year of college, and A said he needed to be by himself. we stayed friends, but every now and then, a hug would last too long. he'd touch my leg. something would cross the friend line. even though i cleared my room of almost all that reminded me of him, he was still in my life.
then i found out around that christmastime that he was seeing someone. our contact dwindled, and we graduated. he dated her for about 2 years. then he met someone new in his hometown, about 2 hours away. he dated her for 2 years too. all this time, as years passed, we stayed in touch, more frequently when he wasnt dating someone, but i didnt blame him for that b/c afterall, it is weird for exes to stay in eachother's lives when they're forming new relationships.
after the second gf after me and A broke up, he was single for about a year. during that time we became close again. IM, email, phone calls... i ran into him when he was visiting, and drove him home from a bar we were both at. we fooled around in my car before i dropped him off at his sisters. to kiss him again was... incredible? wonderful? those are such blah words for what i felt.
4 months later, i visited him on my way home from a trip, and we hung out for several hours. it was like we had picked up where we had left off when things were good. i had thoughts then that i should tell him how i was feeling, but i was afraid to ruin this strengthening bond between us. i also would think, "i need to lose 10 lbs first" .. i was then around 160ish.
after that visit, we saw eachother once or twice more, culminating in the fall, when one thing led to another, and we slept together again. i woke up the next morning confused, and felt the need to say "i feel like we're finally friends, and i'd hate to do anything to put us back at square one." his response "i guess that makes sense."
i dont know why i said it. i was afraid he'd think that i had the wrong idea. i didnt want to be vulnerable. i also really didnt want it to be weird.
later that month he texted me happy thanksgiving, to which i responded. i sent him a christmas card in december. he texted me happy new year, to which i did not respond (i was feeling foolish that he might think i thought he meant more by it than he did... hey, i'm a girl, we overanalyze). in january i called to ask if i could crash at his place in case the weather was bad after a shopping trip. he said sure, but he wouldnt be home. he'd leave his key for me though and i could stay at his place. i declined (because afterall, i had made up the shopping trip as an excuse to visit him, and without him, there was no trip).
then in march, i found the pictures with her. through some facebooking (he was not yet then a member), i discovered he had been dating someone since march. they'll have been together 3 years this coming march.
from that point on, i hatched a plan to tell him my new feelings, that i wanted another chance for us. at first it was going to be that summer. then it was pushed back. and back. and further back. my last deadline was set for this past august. why did i keep pushing back? because i was slowly gaining weight. i havent seen him face to face since that april after i found the pictures. he has no idea how much weight i've gained. i keep thinking that if i can lose some weight, i have a better chance.
we've still kept in touch, playing phone tag more than anything. he wished me a happy birthday this summer via facebook (he has since joined). he doesnt have a relationship status on his profile, but the most painful moment of my day is when i check his profile, expecting a status of "engaged" to appear. i've already decided if this happens that i will still tell him, even if it's just for closure versus a real shot at "us" again.
you may think i'm pathetic and crazy. i've had other guys in my life since A, i havent been shut up in my house or turning down other shots of love (well hello, tila tequila?). i just havent met anyone that compares. even when we talk, email, etc now, i feel that spark, that something. i keep kicking myself that i missed my chance when he was single. looking back, he was definitely interested in something with me then. i hope he didnt take me trying to save face after we slept together as me saying i wasnt interested, but it certainly sounds like that was what i was saying, huh?
that last time we spoke was in mid-july. our phone tag game finally ended. we spoke for about 10 minutes before he lost reception. through facebook - mutual friends, etc- i know that they're still together. i'm not still in love with him, but i think if we were to do this it could turn into something good...
my next deadline for telling him is in november. however, for dinner i just ate a bk double stacker, 2 chocolate chip cookies, a chicken salad sandwich, a slice of cheesecake and a diet coke (yes, i'm one of those, although giving up fountain coke was a battle in itself). basically, i'm disgusted with myself right now and november isnt looking good.
deadline b is in early may. i cant wait much longer. he's reaching the in it to win it point in his curent relationship, if he's not already engaged by then.
i'm working toward my happiness. i want to lose this weight. i want a chance with the man who still holds my heart.
this is so long, and i promise future posts will be shorter, but you need this history to understand. i miss him so much. i miss us. i want to lose this weight so i can give myself a chance at happiness, whether it be in the form of another shot with A or a chance to officially and cleanly move on. i need this.
Starting... now
i dont know why i decided to start this blog. mainly, i was bored at work. partly because i've tried to find other ways to hold myself accountable and to light a fire under my ass and make things happen. i dont even know if anyone will ever read it which to me is not important, but for a goal for a blog it's pretty uninspired and unambitious.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
more on this later.
so anyway, why am i doing this? i guess it's to ask myself, why am i not doing the things i need to be doing to get me where i need to be? i have the best intentions, although results and focus are short-term.
okay, i'm even boring myself and what matters is not why i started this blog, but what i hope to accomplish. no more saying, maybe tomorrow. my tomorrows have turned into years. 3 years give or take actually.
i'm fat. at my lowest weight i was 155 lbs. i'm 5'7. back then i thought i was huge. now, more than a hundred pounds later, i'm.... sad. the last time i weighed in i was 271.5 lbs (that .5 is important, gotta account for all of me). how did i let this happen? why at 200, or at 215, or at 250, did i not say, "WAIT!!!" or "What the hell is wrong with you? Fix things NOW!!"
how did i let it get to this point? i'm ashamed. i'm mad. and the fact is, i did say those things to myself but they were always followed with "tomorrow i will... go to the gym" "tomorrow i will... not eat fast food and cake and ice cream in my apartment and be so ashamed that i do this in my pjs with my phone off so i can be isolated from the world."
i hear oprah says food fills the void. the fact is, i just like eating and dont think of the consequences. the guilt comes soon after, but it doesnt stop me from doing it again the next day. so much for "tomorrow."
ugh.
i've made calendars to count down. im a member of a gym that's open 24 hours. i have an elliptical and exercise bike in my home. i make exercise plans for myself. yet i'm so easily derailed. when it's time to order at olive garden, i say, what's the harm of the gorgonzola steak alfredo and tiramisu? there's probably no harm in just that. it's just a repeated pattern that has increased my size by half.
btw, i'm not a whiner. i'm sorry if this is coming across as pathetic and ridiculous. you're probably saying, "so stop eating and do something about it!" i say that to myself every day.
so enough of the weight loss part. i have no idea how i'll do it although i know it needs to start now. i say this as i'm finishing up a 3 musketeers bar btw. yeah i know, wtf.
what the non-weight loss is preventing me from doing is even more important. the weight has been my excuse for not doing it for 3 years. i feel time is running out, that if i dont make a move soon i will have missed my chance. that my life and happiness or at least closure and the ability to move on is right behind the 125 lbs of fat.
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